The short answer

A dummy that once soothed your baby often becomes the tool that plugs every tantrum, and tantrums are exactly how toddlers learn emotional regulation. Ideally, remove the dummy around 12 months. If your toddler is older, commit fully, prepare them a few days ahead, expect big feelings, and stay calm and empathetic.

A dummy (or pacifier if you live in certain parts of the world) is truly a life saver when it comes to an unsettled newborn baby. Babies who take dummies settle easily, can be quieted at any moment and can drift off to sleep with little fuss. It becomes an absolute life saver when it comes to managing a baby.

BUT what tends to happen is that since the dummy is working its magic on your baby, you're too scared to ever try and take it away. Especially if your baby still has their dummy at the 1 year mark, parents really worry about the impact on their sanity and their toddler's happiness should they try and take it away. How will they fall asleep without it? How will they manage in the car? What about when they get cranky? It's to be expected that parents are hesitant to remove this magical tool that does so much good.

You might have heard about the potential impact a dummy can have on a toddler's dental and speech development, but there is an additional area of development that can be impacted too which most parents are unaware of.

How the dummy becomes a tantrum-stopper

What starts out as a sleep and settling aid for babies becomes the go-to strategy for a moody toddler. As soon as your toddler starts to lose it, the dummy is popped in their mouth and all is calm again. Especially as tantrums can take parents quite by surprise when they first start at around 15-18 months, it's no wonder parents will reach for the dummy as the easiest and most effective way to sidestep the dreaded tantrum.

Why plugging the tantrum is a problem

But what parents aren't aware of is that an essential part of healthy toddler development is having tantrums. I know they're no fun for parents and of course we'd rather avoid them, but tantrums are the only way a toddler learns to manage their new big emotions. No amount of teaching, reading books about feelings or praying to the parenting gods will teach a toddler emotional regulation quite like going through the throes of toddler tantrums. The key to this is that emotions need to be expressed and let out in order for them to be processed. What a dummy does is push the feelings deep down inside, covered up by the soothing feeling of sucking on a dummy. Sure a toddler is comforted by their dummy during hard moments, but this comfort prevents a toddler from feeling their emotions and figuring out what to do with them.

What I've seen in my years of working with toddlers is that toddlers who keep their dummy into toddlerhood really struggle with emotional regulation. They aren't used to feeling these emotions or expressing them, and so they try to bury the emotions deep down so they can't be felt with such intensity. And without their dummy, this can present in their behaviour. For example you might see a toddler withdrawing, becoming aggressive for no apparent reason, showing intense anger leading to destructive behaviour or an extreme desire to control their environment (among other behaviours too).

When should you get rid of the dummy?

Firstly, in an ideal world and to avoid the issues listed above, I recommend parents remove their baby's dummy at the 12 month mark. At this point it is fairly easy for your baby to adjust to sleeping without a dummy and they can learn a new method of falling asleep quite easily. Plus, they are generally less emotionally attached to their dummy compared to when they get older, which makes it easier to get rid of the dummy.

Tips for a successful dummy removal

If your toddler's held onto their dummy later into toddlerhood, parents are often terrified of taking away their child's dummy. And I get it, you're purposefully taking away the one thing that helps your toddler fall asleep, stay asleep and manage hard moments during the day. But taking away the dummy is actually way less painful than parents anticipate. Here are some tips for a successful dummy removal:

• Start with clear boundaries around dummy usage. E.g. your dummy stays in your cot and is only used for bedtime, NOT during the day.
• Commit completely. If you want to create a fun narrative for getting rid of the dummy there are many ways to do this (e.g. dummy fairy, giving it to another baby, sending them to Santa in the mail). The narrative isn't important; what's important is your 100% commitment to getting rid of the dummy. This means you can't have a sneaky back up dummy hidden in a drawer for "just in case". You need to gather every single dummy and get rid of them completely. When bedtime is going badly and your toddler is screaming for a dummy, you'll be much more likely to fold if you have a back up. And each time you try to get rid of the dummy but give in, it strengthens your child's attachment to it and makes it harder the next time. So do it when you're ready and do it completely.
• Prepare your toddler. Decide on when you're going to get rid of the dummy (ideally a weekend so you're less affected by a bad night) and let your toddler know a few days in advance that they're saying bye bye to their dummy soon.
• Be ready for their reaction. If you know to expect big feelings about saying bye to their dummy, it can make it easier to deal with. Car rides, watching TV and bedtime can be some of the hardest moments. But you'd be surprised at how quickly toddlers adjust and move on.
• Have a plan. You might want to trade out the dummy for another comfort item. E.g. you can take your toddler to choose a new toy or stuffie to replace the dummy, and suggest that they cuddle it if they're feeling sad. But be aware of not inadvertently creating a new habit that replaces the dummy, e.g. screen time, bribes, rewards or giving in to their every request.
• Be confident, calm and empathetic. The more you embody these characteristics the better this transition will go. Instead of vague reasons why they can't have their dummy, just tell them straight: "We said bye bye to your dummy. No more dummy anymore." Then empathise with them if they're upset: "I know you really want it. It's ok if you're feeling sad about it, you can cry if you need to."

And then be with them through the feelings and remember this is the start of them developing essential, healthy skills for emotional regulation that will help them the rest of their lives.

For more on why tantrums matter, read Why Do Toddlers Have Tantrums?, browse my tantrum guides, or book a 1:1 consult.