The short answer

Tantrums are a normal, healthy and frustrating part of toddler development. They happen because a toddler's brain experiences emotions that are too big for their still-developing regulation system to handle. Your job is not to stop the tantrum. It is to stay calm and present while it happens, so your toddler's nervous system can learn to regulate by mirroring yours.

The second you mention the word ‘toddler’ your strongest association is probably ‘toddler tantrums’. It is practically impossible to get through the toddler years tantrum free - they are a normal, healthy and frustrating part of your toddler’s development.

Tantrums actually develop and morph as the toddler years progress - but at their essence they remain the same thing. How they look might change but the underlying reason and the optimal response remains the same.

When do toddler tantrums start?

When a toddler reaches around 15 months (give or take a few months) their cognition develops to a point where they have opinions on what they do and don’t want. “I want more chips!” “I don’t want to get off the swing” “my banana broke in half!” are all common early triggers for tantrums. I like to use the words ‘tantrum’ and ‘meltdown’ synonymously as they really do mean the same thing - aka your toddler’s brain has gone offline and in its place is a bundle of tears rolling around on the floor at great volume.

Whereas before this stage of development your toddler might not have reacted when you stopped a desired activity or removed something dangerous that they were playing with, your toddler now has a more established sense of self and that self knows exactly what they do and don’t want. Coinciding with this developing sense of self is a complete lack of understanding of logic, time, cause and effect and an emotional regulation system that cannot handle these triggers. Around this age toddlers also begin to experience a broader range of emotions compared to when they were babies. Anger, frustration, sadness, excitement all become more intense and heightened. Some of these emotions can feel overwhelming for a toddler when they start to experience them and their body doesn't know how to process them.

Why do such small things set toddlers off?

Imagine you’re having a bad day - you miss your alarm clock (pre kids… alarm clocks are irrelevant now that you have a mini human alarm clock), you burn your toast, you’re out of coffee, the bus is delayed, someone steps on your toe and just as you arrive at work you knock over your glass of water all over your laptop. You might be due for a meltdown yourself at this point. We all start our day with a somewhat empty cup (this is another topic in and of itself as some of our cups are never emptied completely causing other issues) and as the day happens our cups fill up from the little hardships, mishaps and daily stresses. Hopefully we get to the end of our day and our cup is nearing the top but we make it past bedtime and can empty the cup with some mindless scrolling and a cup of tea.

A toddler’s cup is literally and metaphorically smaller than ours. This means that just a few drops of ‘stress’ (a broken banana is very stressful for a toddler) can lead to their cup overflowing and resulting in a meltdown. Some days their cup might be a bit bigger and have capacity for more, but other days their cup might be so tiny that even the smallest thing sets them off.

Especially when a toddler is new at tantruming, the tantrums often don’t make any sense to the adult spectator. “It’s not a big deal!” - you might be tempted to say. “Look, here’s a new banana! All better” but to a toddler, there is no convincing them that whatever tiny thing happened is no big deal. To them, this is the straw that broke the camel’s back and nothing you do or say will change that.

Why distracting your toddler backfires

At this age, most parents (especially first time parents) will try to distract their toddler. They might do this by making a joke, offering them something else desirable, or literally moving their child away from the trigger and distracting them with songs, their phone or iPad, food or whatever else will get your child to move on and be happy again. The problem with this is that your toddler actually needs practice at having tantrums. That is the only way they learn how to get through them. If they’re constantly distracted out of their feelings, their body and brain won’t have the chance to figure out how to deal with these new emotions that are flooding the system. And these emotions only get stronger and deeper as your toddler gets older and moves into later toddlerhood.

How tantrums change as toddlers get older

As toddlers get older, their tantrums become more emotionally based. They might not cry over getting a red cup instead of a yellow one, but they will have a meltdown if you say ‘no’ to more snacks or going to the playground or turning the TV off or many other things. As well as them having a meltdown because they’re not ‘getting their way’, they often actually need to have that tantrum or as I say to my kids “a big cry” as a means of getting some big emotions out of their body. Whether they’re holding onto complex emotions about their new baby brother, they’ve had a big day at daycare, there’s been lots of change in their life, or anything else that moves them off centre - their cup is full and the spillage needs to come out in order for them to reset and feel better. At this age, they will often test boundaries as a way to inadvertently have an excuse to tantrum. It starts with them asking for chocolate for breakfast. You manage to manoeuvre yourself around that request. Next comes refusing to put their shoes on. You figure out a way to complete that mission. Then they ask you to go to the shops to buy a new toy. You explain why you can’t (it’s only 7.35am and the shops aren’t open but a toddler doesn’t understand what 7.35am means). Finally they keep nagging you about wanting to watch TV and you hit your limit. You put your foot down and very strongly tell them “ENOUGH!” And sure as anything, the ultimate toddler tantrum ensues. The floodgates open and they don’t show any signs of closing.

How should you respond to a tantrum?

So how do you deal with a tantrum if you’re not supposed to distract them or move them on? This is the number one question I get asked, and it’s the most straightforward response. You don’t have to do anything. At most, you can just say very simply what your toddler is upset about “you really want to go to the park right now” or “you really want chocolate for breakfast”... and that's it. There’s no fixing to be done, no stopping the tantrum in its tracks. The goal isn’t for you to magically stop the tantrum, your goal is to provide the opportunity for your toddler to have their meltdown in the presence of a calm and regulated adult. THAT is the hardest part.

As parents, when our toddler has a meltdown, not only is it frustrating and disruptive, but it never feels good to be the reason why your toddler is so upset. We feel guilty and start to doubt ourselves - was I too strict? Did I do the wrong thing? Could I have avoided this? Oftentimes without even realising it ourselves, we join our toddler in their meltdown and we escalate ourselves. This only makes things worse as our nervous systems are wired to mirror each other. The best way for a toddler to learn how to regulate their emotions and calm themselves down, is to have their nervous system mirror yours. This is where the hard work comes in, as it is really hard to stay cool, calm and collected when you’re being held hostage by a tiny 2 year old tyrant who is making irrational demands. But I do believe that when you understand why toddlers tantrum, you know that this is actually healthy and normal, and that your job is to stay calm… it does become easier. Use the time to observe your toddler, see what escalates them, take some deep breaths yourself and wait until the storm passes.

And then when you finally start to see a light at the end of the tunnel, guide them out with a cuddle (if they want it) or just a steady guide of what you’re going to do next.

Does it get better?

With time and consistency, your toddler will learn how to manage their emotions. Their meltdowns will become less frequent, less intense and more manageable. There will be bumps in the road - it isn’t a completely linear process. Big changes, sickness, leaps in development will all lead to a spicy period for your toddler, but if you are prepared with how to deal with it, they’ll move through it much faster each time.

If tantrums are running your household right now, you’ll find more practical help in my other tantrum guides, or you can book a 1:1 consult and we’ll work through your specific situation together.