The short answer

If you find yourself giving in, softening every no, and tiptoeing around your toddler to avoid the next meltdown, you're not alone and you're not failing. But tantrums only become shorter, less intense and less frequent with practice. The way past a tantrum is through it, with you staying calm and holding the boundary.

It's 8:15am and you're trying to get out the door for daycare drop off and work. Already there have been too many meltdowns to count. It's hard to even distinguish when one meltdown ended and another began. The days (and nights) can feel endless when you've got a toddler who is having non-stop meltdowns.

You're constantly scanning the environment to see what might trigger the next outburst: quick, hide away the lollipop from yesterday's party bag so she doesn't ask if she can eat it for breakfast. Whoops, forgot to pack away her Elsa dress, and now she's going to demand to wear it to daycare today. And on and on and on.

Is it normal for my toddler to melt down all day?

A lot of parents come to me asking, "Is my child normal?" because surely it can't be normal for a toddler to get that upset over so many things, all day, every day. And my answer is yes. Your toddler is in the thick of an intense period of development where the inside of their brain basically looks like a minefield. One wrong step, and even a well planned, strategic step, can set off a mine at any second. This is how it feels living with a toddler. And here's what I see play out.

How fear of tantrums softens your boundaries

You're so done with the never ending tantrums, so exhausted from the emotional labour of it all, that you start to preempt the meltdowns and do everything you can to avoid them. You suddenly start to question: how important is it, really, for my 2 year old to sit down in the shopping trolley? Would it be so bad for her to practice her surfing skills in the middle of Woolworths? Is it really so unhealthy for them to eat plain pasta for every meal for a whole month? Maybe you start wondering whether you'll be listening to Baby Shark on repeat for the rest of your life.

It's easy to fall into a habit of giving in to your toddler's every request for fear of their reaction. Having a tantruming toddler following you around all day is exhausting. It drains your emotional reserves being around someone with such big feelings all the time. Plus, it makes you feel responsible for creating this huge reaction and causing your toddler so much pain and upset. The guilt creeps in, combined with just being "over it," and your boundaries start to soften.

Why creative ways of saying no stop working

You might also find yourself saying "no" in very creative ways, hoping to soften the blow and delay the tantrum long enough that they move on. "Can we go to the toy shop now?" is met with, "You know what, we can't go right now because we have to go to Grandma's house, but let's see afterwards if we can squeeze it in."

You know you're not going to the toy shop, but you're too scared to say no directly for fear of the meltdown that follows. Over time, toddlers start to see through these avoidant answers and will keep pushing until they get a firm response.

Best to take a deep breath and face the toddler head on.

The only way past a tantrum is through it

As you would have read in my other articles on this topic, the only way past a tantrum is to go through it. I won't go into the details of why it's important for your toddler to have tantrums here, I've written about that elsewhere in detail, but keep this simple fact in mind: your toddler will only start to manage their emotions, and have shorter, less intense, less frequent tantrums, if they get lots of practice. That means they need lots of opportunities to have tantrums, so that they (and you) can learn how to get through them.

Of course there will be moments where you just can't face it, and avoiding the tantrum by redirecting or giving in will be your only option. But so long as this isn't your go-to approach, and is only used sparingly, there's no need to be hard on yourself.

You're not failing because your toddler is having a hard time. You're getting through one of the hardest, most temporary stretches of parenting, and every meltdown they move through with you is one more step toward the other side of it.

For more on why tantrums happen and how to respond, start with Why Do Toddlers Have Tantrums?, browse all my tantrum guides, or book a 1:1 consult.