The short answer

The best preparation isn't about hyping your toddler up for a new sibling, it's about keeping their world steady. Wait until close to the due date to tell them, use neutral language instead of 'big brother' talk, and avoid major changes like moving cots or toilet training in this window. Let them get familiar with the baby gear ahead of time, and lower your expectations of them rather than raising them.

Ask any expecting parent with a toddler at home what they're most anxious about and the answer is almost always the same: "I'm not worried about the baby, I'm worried about my toddler." You've sorted the double pram, washed the tiny clothes and pulled the bassinet out of storage.

But preparing the nursery is the easy part. Preparing your toddler is a whole different challenge.

The good news is that there is a lot you can do before your baby arrives to set your toddler up for a smoother transition. Here's what actually helps, and what's worth skipping.

Wait as long as possible to tell them

This one surprises many parents, but try to hold off telling your toddler about the pregnancy for as long as you can. The concept of a baby growing in your tummy is incredibly abstract for a toddler, and nine months is an enormous stretch of time for a small child to sit with that information. If they find out too early, they may spend months feeling anxious about what the baby's arrival means for them, surrounded by a constant buzz of excitement they may not share.

If your toddler doesn't already know, aim to tell them around a month before the due date. And in the meantime, keep baby talk to a minimum in their presence. Ask family and friends to follow your lead and avoid raising the topic with your toddler unless they bring it up themselves.

Use neutral language when talking about the baby

When the time comes to share the news, keep it matter of fact and avoid loading the conversation with your own emotions or expectations. Rather than saying "You're going to have a baby sister! Aren't you so excited?!", try something like: "There's a baby growing in mummy's tummy. In a few months it will grow big enough that it will be ready to come out. Then you'll have a baby sister".

Using the phrase "your baby" can help your toddler feel a sense of ownership and connection. Reassure them that all the familiar parts of their day and week will still be there once the baby arrives. And remind them, often, that they will always be your baby too.

Avoid any 'big brother/ big sister' talk. Instead of telling them they're going to be 'the best big brother' you can just say "you're going to be a brother" or an "older brother". They didn't choose for this to happen (even if they asked for a baby) and so it's important they don't suddenly get enrolled in a new job that has lots of responsibility attached to it.

Don't make any big changes

This is one of the most important things you can do in the lead-up, and it's actually about doing less rather than more. The period around a new baby arriving is not the time to move your toddler out of their cot, start toilet training or shift them to a new bedroom. Any of these changes adds stress to an already significant adjustment.

If your toddler is still in a cot, leave them there for as long as possible. Buy a second-hand cot for the baby rather than displacing your toddler from theirs.

If they are still in nappies, keep them in nappies. Rushing toilet training because a baby is coming is a recipe for frustration on everyone's part. Wait until they are truly ready, regardless of the timing.

If a room change is genuinely unavoidable, do it well in advance so your toddler is fully settled before the baby comes. The goal is to keep their world as stable, familiar and predictable as possible.

Familiarise them with the baby's world

One practical thing you can do before the baby arrives is to bring out the baby equipment and let your toddler get used to seeing it around the house. Show them the bassinet, bouncer and capsule. Let it become part of the background before it suddenly has a baby in it.

Some families also find it helpful to put together a simple "social story" with your toddler about what will happen when the baby comes, walking through each step so there are no surprises.

A baby doll can also be a wonderful investment at this stage. It gives your toddler a way to play out what they're observing and feeling about the new baby, and to practise being gentle in a low-stakes way.

Read books together, with care

There are lots of books available about new babies and becoming a sibling, and they can be a gentle, helpful way to ease your toddler into the idea. That said, not all of them are pitched at the right level for toddlers, so read them yourself first before introducing them to your child. If the words feel too advanced, skip them and make up your own story from the pictures.

Lower your expectations, not raise them

One of the most common well-meaning mistakes parents make in the lead-up is starting to prime their toddler to be a "big kid" now that a baby is coming. Resist this.

Your toddler is not suddenly more capable because a baby is on the way, and framing the arrival this way puts unfair pressure on them. Toddlers will often have a rough period in the lead up to the baby coming - behavioural challenges, big emotions or regressions in their development.

This is all completely normal and a sign that you can connect with your toddler, giving them space to let out their complicated feelings about the baby's arrival.

Instead, lower your expectations. Lean into nurturing them. The more secure and settled your toddler feels before the baby arrives, the better equipped they will be to handle the change when it comes.

The bottom line

The preparation that matters most for your toddler isn't about getting them excited. It's about keeping their world steady, giving them language for what's coming and making sure they know that nothing about your love for them is changing.

For more help, browse my new baby and siblings guides, or book a 1:1 consult.