Please note: I am not a nutritionist, dietitian or medical professional. My thoughts on toddler mealtimes are based on my knowledge and experience of toddler development. This article applies to typically developing toddlers with no medical concerns. If you have any worries about your child's food intake, growth or health, please consult the appropriate medical professional.

The short answer

You decide what's served and when; your toddler decides what and how much to eat. Never cook an alternative meal, keep eating at the table, offer a no-pressure second course of fruit or yoghurt, bring playfulness instead of pressure, give them small choices, and sit and eat with them. The goal is a relaxed table, not a clean plate.

If you've read the article Why Has My Toddler Become Fussy At Mealtimes?, you now understand why your toddler eats the way they do. The fussiness makes sense. The refusals make sense. The suspicion about the herb on their pizza makes sense. Now let's talk about what you can actually do to make mealtimes more peaceful, more successful, and a whole lot less exhausting.

The division of responsibility

The most important concept to carry into every mealtime is this: you are responsible for what goes on the table and when. Your toddler is responsible for what and how much they eat. Full stop.

This is sometimes called the division of responsibility, and it is a genuinely powerful framework because it gets you out of the business of trying to control something you cannot control. When you accept that your job ends at putting the food on the table, you stop fighting. And when the fight disappears, so does a lot of the resistance.

In practice this means: you plan the meal, you include at least one thing you know your toddler is likely to eat alongside the other components, and then you let them decide what to do with it. If they only eat the bread, you don't comment. If they eat everything, you don't make a big deal of it. You remain as neutral as possible, because your toddler is watching your reaction to their eating choices very closely. Just imagine if the tables were turned and you had your partner commenting on each bite you took: "Wow Jen, you're eating so well tonight! Why don't you eat your meat first before the chips? Come on, have some more veges. Otherwise you can't have ice cream." I don't think anyone in their right mind would enjoy mealtimes if this were the norm every time!

Never offer an alternative meal

This is one of the most common patterns I see, and it's completely understandable. Your toddler refuses what you've made, you worry about them going to bed hungry, and you offer peanut butter toast instead. But from that moment on, you have set a precedent. Your toddler has learned that refusing the meal gets them what they want, and the pattern deepens with every repetition.

The phrase to reach for when they ask for something different is simply: "That's not on the menu tonight. We can have that another time." Said calmly, without negotiation, and then dropped.

A useful addition to this approach is to always offer a consistent second course of fruit or yoghurt, regardless of how much or how little your toddler ate of the main meal. This is not a reward for eating. It's just a predictable part of the meal structure. It gives you the reassurance that they have something in their stomach without you having to cook a second dinner, and it gives your toddler the security of knowing that something they usually enjoy is coming. It can be very tempting to use this as a means of pressuring your toddler to eat more of the main meal, but the whole point is that the fruit or yoghurt is available no matter what. And you'll see that even if your toddler gobbles up the grapes, they might go back for a few bites of the main meal if you leave it within arm's reach. You can even serve the fruit or yoghurt alongside their main meal if you're trying to fix an already established habit of "only getting dessert once you've eaten your dinner". This looks like a few strawberries on their plate, or a bowl of yoghurt next to their plate.

Keep the meal at the table

Do not chase your toddler around the house with food. I know how tempting it is to get at least a few bites in while they're distracted and playing, but what you're teaching them is that they don't need to come to the table to eat. The table becomes optional. And optional tables lead to a lot of running around with spoons.

Set the expectation that eating happens at the table, and stick to it. When they get down, the meal is over. Slow the pace of mealtimes down where you can, giving your toddler time to transition from playing, settle into their seat and tune into their body. This transition time matters more than most parents realise. And if your child needs to get up for a wiggle or a run around, let them know "your lunch is still at the table and you can come back for more when you're ready".

Be playful

Because toddlers experience everything through the lens of play, bringing playfulness to the table is one of the most effective tools you have. And it works without pressure, which is the whole point.

Some examples that go down well: "Can you find the biggest piece of broccoli on your plate?" or "How many peas can you balance on your fork?" or "My carrots are so crunchy when I eat them! Are yours crunchy too?" Doing "cheers" with a piece of food is a toddler crowd pleaser, and if you eat your bite with enthusiasm after the cheers, they'll usually copy you.

You can also comment on the food in a neutral, observational way that draws their attention to it without pressuring: "Your broccolini looks like a tiny little tree" or "I can hear your crackers crunching all the way over here." These comments invite curiosity without demanding anything.

Adding music or audio books while you're eating can also help toddlers stay at the table for longer and focus on their food, much better than watching TV, since this is usually distracting and either makes your child eat mindlessly, or they're so immersed in the show that they forget to eat!

Give them power within the meal

Toddlers thrive on having a sense of agency, so build it into the mealtime wherever you can. Let them help set the table. Let them carry their bowl to the table. Let them choose what cup they use or what music plays during dinner. These small choices fill their need for control in a way that doesn't affect what actually ends up on the menu.

During the meal, if they're unhappy with something, turn it back to them: "Hmm, what do you think might make that taste better?" Let them sprinkle cheese on top, or add a dipping sauce, or remove the bits they don't like themselves. Involving them in solving the problem is far more effective than solving it for them, and it builds their confidence with food at the same time. Having a "no thank you" plate next to them lets them know it's ok to take out the "bits" they don't like rather than throwing the whole meal in the bin.

Involving your toddler in food preparation where possible is also genuinely helpful. A toddler who has stirred the pasta sauce or washed the vegetables is much more invested in the meal than one who has just had it placed in front of them. They might even eat a sneaky cherry tomato while they're helping, which is a win by anyone's standards.

Make sure they're actually hungry

This sounds obvious but it's easy to miss. If your toddler has been grazing on snacks all afternoon, they will have little appetite by dinnertime and the meal will be harder. A reasonable boundary is no snacks in the hour before a main meal. It is not cruel to let them arrive at the table a little hungry. That is actually the ideal condition for a successful mealtime.

Relax, and let the table be a nice place to be

The lasting effects of stressful mealtimes are more concerning than the lasting effects of a toddler who didn't finish their dinner tonight. When children grow up associating the table with pressure, anxiety and big emotions, food becomes complicated in ways that can follow them for years.

One of the easiest strategies to employ is to actually sit with your toddler at mealtimes and eat something too. Whether it be the same meal as them (ideal) or just a few vege sticks, eating with your toddler is probably the most effective way to help them have positive mealtimes. Toddlers are extremely social creatures and especially when it comes to mum and dad they like to emulate everything you do. So if they see you sprinkling coriander on your food, their curiosity will probably lead them to smelling or tasting that coriander too. Toddlers want to be connected with you, so try to avoid cleaning the kitchen or doing other things during mealtimes. I know this is hard, so even if you choose one meal of the day to sit with your toddler it will make all the difference!

The real goal here is not a clean plate. It is a child who grows up with a genuinely joyful relationship with food. That is the long game, and it is absolutely worth playing.

For more mealtime help, browse my mealtime guides or book a 1:1 consult.