The short answer

Leaving your toddler with a babysitter gets easier when the babysitter isn't a stranger, the goodbye is quick and confident, and your toddler has a small safety net to hold onto while you're gone. Introduce a new babysitter with a photo and a few fun facts beforehand, keep your goodbye routine short and warm, and accept your toddler's tears without trying to talk them out of their feelings. It's normal for this to feel hard, and it will get easier with practice.

Using a babysitter is such a healthy and helpful way to have someone trusted look after your toddler. This can be challenging for some toddlers, especially when separation anxiety and clinginess are at an all time high. Here are some simple tips to help your toddler when a babysitter is coming to look after them.

Choose babysitters your toddler can get to know

Ideally, try and find one or two babysitters who you'll be able to use consistently so that your toddler can become familiar with them, and build a relationship with them.

Introduce a new babysitter before they arrive

If you're using a new babysitter, ask them if they can send you a selfie ahead of time as well as a couple of their favourite things, e.g. favourite food, activity or special hobbies they have.

Show your toddler the photo and tell them about the babysitter's interests, e.g. "Julie also loves dancing just like you do!"

Let your toddler see you trust the babysitter

On the first day that the babysitter is coming, ideally ask them to come half an hour earlier than you need them to be there. Spend this time chatting with them casually, getting to know them and allowing your child to suss them out before it's time to go.

When your toddler sees you talking to the babysitter this helps them feel more relaxed with them and shows them that you trust this new person.

Keep the goodbye quick, confident, and consistent

Make the goodbye quick and confident and have a little routine for the goodbye, e.g. "It's time for mummy to go out now. Julie is going to look after you and Mummy will be back soon! I'll come and give you a big kiss when you're sleeping" and then leave.

Even if your toddler cries or runs after you, confidently hand them over to the babysitter and head out the door. Your anxiety, hesitation or lingering only makes your toddler feel more nervous and worried. Trust that the babysitter will be able to handle them once you're gone.

Give them a safety net

There can be a few strategies to use as 'safety nets' depending on your child's age and temperament. For example, you can give your toddler something of yours to hold onto while you're out (I gave my daughter my teddy from when I was younger).

Or they can hold onto your t-shirt, a bracelet (nothing valuable that you'd mind getting lost!) or a little note with a love heart on it.

Another option is to decide beforehand on a special game or activity they can do once you leave, e.g. when my daughter was really into treasure hunts, I told her she could set one up once I left home. Or your babysitter could do some baking or have a dance party once you're gone.

Choose the right moment to tell them

Think about the appropriate time to tell your toddler that you're going out. If your toddler generally has a hard time with you leaving them with a babysitter, I would only tell them a couple of hours before it's happening.

Otherwise the anticipation of the separation happening will get too much as their anxiety will build over a long stretch of time. A few hours is long enough to tell your toddler simply "mummy and daddy are going out tonight, Julie is coming over to look after you while we're gone, and then we'll come back".

Let them feel their feelings

Accept any associated emotions: if your child cries when you tell them you're going out, just hold them close and let them know you understand. "I know it's really hard for you when mummy and daddy go out."

No convincing them that the babysitter is fun, or that there's no need to cry. Just let them have their feelings about it, and know that they'll move through them.

A few things to avoid

I don't recommend sneaking out to avoid the big goodbye. Your toddler will realise you're gone after a few minutes and then it can be a much harder job for them to calm down since they feel like you vanished and they didn't get a hug or kiss goodbye.

This is a tricky one and might depend on your specific situation, but sometimes it can be tempting to tell the babysitter to come once the kids are asleep (if your plans start a bit later) so your child doesn't know you're going out and you don't have to deal with the associated emotions.

BUT the downside is that if your child wakes up while you're out, the babysitter has to go and help them, and they can get very upset that you're unexpectedly not there, making things harder for your child and the babysitter. So this might depend on your toddler's sleep and how likely it is for them to wake while you're out, or for them to take a long time to fall asleep after bedtime.

The bottom line

Even if you're feeling anxious about leaving your toddler with a babysitter and it's a huge amount of mental work to get it all happening, you need some time off! Time to recharge your battery, do something for yourself and trust that your toddler will be ok. Because they will.

For more help, browse my separation anxiety guides or book a 1:1 consult.