The short answer

Genuine closeness between siblings doesn't come from insisting they get along or making everything perfectly equal. It comes from acknowledging hard feelings instead of correcting them, meeting each child's needs rather than measuring fairness, and staying out of their conflicts. Comparisons, forced positivity, and playing referee all quietly work against connection, even when they come from a loving place. Here are the five shifts that actually build sibling closeness over time.

I am one of four children, and my earliest memory of my relationship with my siblings was being upset that my older sisters didn't want me to spend time in their rooms when their friends were over.

When they were 'mean' to me, I recall my mother saying "one day you're all going to be very close!" I didn't believe her, but she was right. Im grateful to have close and authentic relationships with all of my siblings as adults - which is when it really counts!

A while ago I picked up a copy of Siblings Without Rivalry by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, and I found myself underlining almost every page. The book is geared toward older children, but the thinking behind it reshaped the way I approach sibling dynamics from the very beginning, with babies and toddlers included. I recommend it to almost every family I work with.

What struck me most is how much of what we instinctively do to create closeness between our kids actually works against us. The book is full of counterintuitive wisdom, and so is the research behind it. If you want your children to genuinely like each other and choose each other as they grow up, here are the five things that actually move the needle.

1. Stop insisting on good feelings

One of the most quoted lines from Siblings Without Rivalry is this: "Insisting upon good feelings between the children led to bad feelings. Acknowledging the bad feelings led to the good feelings."

I remember reading that for the first time and it just made sense. Because it is so completely the opposite of what most of us do. When our kids express hatred or jealousy toward each other, our instinct is to correct it.

To say "we don't say that, she's your sister and you love her." But what really happens when we say things like this is that the bad feelings don't suddenly disappear. It just makes children feel ashamed of having them, which creates more resentment, not less.

The move that actually works is the opposite. When your toddler says they hate the baby, you say "I know, it's so hard having a baby at home."

When your older child cries and tells you they don't want a sibling, you hold them and say "I know. I understand." You let it exist without fixing it.

One evening my older daughter was beside herself because her younger sister had lifted a flap in the book I was reading to them. She cried and told me she didn't want to have a sister. I just held her and said "I know, I understand." A few minutes later it had passed.

That is acknowledgment at work. When children feel heard, the feeling moves through them. And when it moves through, there is room for something warmer to take its place.

2. Choose needs over equality

"He got more blueberries than me!" "She had more turns on the swing!" You can drive yourself crazy measuring how many grams of yoghurt each child has been served, or trying desperately to cut a chocolate bar equally in half.

When we spend our energy trying to make everything even, we actually teach our children to measure themselves against each other, which breeds constant competition. Totaly equality isn't possible, and nore should it be.

A healthier alternative is to focus on each child's individual needs rather than on parity between them. And I have seen this work beautifully in practice. When your older child complains that their sibling got more sprinkles, rather than measuring and justifying, you simply ask: "Do you need more? Let's make sure you have enough."

That question takes the sibling completely out of the equation. Suddenly your child isn't competing with their brother or sister. They're just checking that their own needs are met.

The go-to phrase I use with families is "everyone gets what they need." It takes time for young children to fully grasp this, but with repetition it genuinely reduces the constant "that's not fair" dynamic that drives so much sibling tension.

3. Never compare your children to one another

One of the things Faber and Mazlish emphasise strongly is the damage that comparisons do, even well-meaning ones. Saying "your sister manages to get dressed by herself, why can't you" or "look how nicely your brother is eating" might feel harmless, but it locks children into competition in relation to each other and quietly erodes their individual sense of self. The same thing goes for comparing your children's abilities, strengths or weaknesses or even physical characteristics.

What builds closeness between siblings is actually each child feeling genuinely, completely seen as their own person, irrespective of their sibling. Even if you think you're providing a positive comparisson to 'motivate' the other child, both the more successful and less successful child will end up feeling awkward, creating more of a rift between them.

4. Avoid intervening in your children's conflicts

When parents consistently come to the rescue of one child while reprimanding the other, they lock their children into identities: the aggressor and the victim, the difficult one and the easy one, the big one and the little one.

Those roles are corrosive. The child cast as the aggressor feels unloved and misunderstood. The child cast as the victim learns to use their parent as a weapon against their sibling.

Neither dynamic builds closeness, and both tend to become self-fulfilling. Plus you can never be certain you've got your analysis of the conflict spot on anyways - so best to keep things neutral to avoid an unneccesary blow up.

The alternative is to stay as neutral as possible when conflict arises, to resist assigning blame, and to resist the urge to rescue. When you do need to say something, describe what happened without making either child the villain: "It looks like you're both having a really hard time." That neutrality keeps the relationship between the children clean, because neither one is walking away feeling like they've won or lost your favour.

5. Commiserate with each child about the other

This final one comes from both the book and my own experience as a parent, and it is surprisingly powerful. Rather than always defending the sibling, try occasionally naming the hard parts of having a sibling out loud, with warmth and genuine empathy.

"Isn't it annoying when the baby cries in the car?" "It can be hard being an older brother somtimes" "It's really hard when you want me and I'm busy with your sister."

When you do this, something shifts. Your child feels less alone in their experience.

They feel like you genuinely understand what it costs them to share you, share the house, share everything with this other person who arrived without their permission. And when they feel understood by you, the resentment they carry toward the sibling naturally softens.

The bottom line

The final thing to remember is that this is THEIR relationship - separate from you. Try your best to stay out of it and avoid judgement, rather laying a healthy and open space for them to discover their own unique relationship that will grow and mature with time.

For more help, browse my new baby and siblings guides, or book a 1:1 consult.