The short answer

Toddler roughness with a new baby usually isn't malice, it's frustration, jealousy, or a desperate bid for your attention, and your reaction matters more than the roughness itself. Keep your response calm and small, set the boundary in one clear sentence, and redirect the physical energy - a baby doll works brilliantly for this. Follow up with connection rather than shame, and let some of the clumsy touching slide. Staying calm and consistent, plus daily one-on-one time, is what actually reduces it over time.

I have lost count of the number of parents who have messaged me in a panic saying some version of the same thing: "My toddler keeps hurting the baby and I don't know what to do. I got so upset and yelled at them, which I know was wrong, but I just couldn't help it."

First of all, I want you to know that this reaction is completely human.

Watching your toddler hit, pinch, bite or squash your newborn while you're already running on no sleep and pure adrenaline is genuinely one of the hardest things to stay calm through. So if you've lost it in that moment, you are not a bad parent. You are a very normal abd tired one.

But here is what I've learned, both from years of working with families and from watching this play out with my own two girls and their baby brother: your response in that moment matters a lot. And the instinctive response, the gasp, the loud "no!", the rushing over in a panic, is often the one that makes things worse. Let me explain why, and what to do instead.

First, understand why it's happening

Your toddler is not being rough with the baby because they are mean or malicious. They are doing it because they are carrying a huge amount of feeling about this new little person who has taken over their world, and they simply don't have the words or the emotional tools to express it any other way.

Sometimes the roughness comes from genuine frustration and jealousy. Sometimes it comes from excitement and a desperate desire to connect with the baby, without the motor control to do it gently. And sometimes, honestly, it comes from wanting your attention so badly that hitting the baby is the most effective way to get it.

None of these are character flaws. All of them make complete developmental sense.

It also tends to get worse at certain milestones. When your baby starts to crawl, pull up, or get into your toddler's things, you may suddenly find the roughness escalates.

That is your toddler responding to a new threat on their territory. Totally normal, and really important to keep in mind.

When my third child was born, everyone asked me "how do the girls feel about him?" And my answer was always the same - "they love him aggressively". And this is mostly because 2 (or more) feelings can exist at the same time about the same thing.

They love him deeply, think he's the cutest baby to ever be born and at the same time they're frustrated with the amount of time and attention he gets from me. They've felt the shift in our family, how they need to fight for my attention a little bit more and that the baby can do no wrong in our eyes.

And so the gentle touch turns into a slightly too hard squeeze.

Keep your reaction as small as possible

This is the hardest part, and I say that with complete empathy because I have stood in your shoes. But a big, dramatic reaction from you, whether it's shock, anger, or rushing over in a flurry of panic, is often petrol on the fire. Toddlers are wired to respond to big reactions, and if the most guaranteed way to get your full and immediate attention is to poke the baby, that is a very compelling incentive to keep poking the baby.

Instead, move calmly and confidently toward the situation. Keep your face and voice steady. I know that takes everything you have in that moment, but it genuinely changes the dynamic.

Set the limit clearly and calmly

Once you're there, state the boundary simply and without a lecture: "I can't let you hit the baby." Not a long explanation, not a shaming speech, not a drawn-out conversation about why it's wrong. Just that one clear sentence, said with calm authority.

Then redirect. If your toddler was patting the baby's head too hard, show them how to do it gently. Guide their hand.

Give them something to do with the baby that works, like holding up a toy to show them, or singing them a song. You are teaching them how to connect, not just shutting them down.

The baby doll is your best friend

One of the most practical tools I recommend is a baby doll, and the way I suggest using it might surprise you. When your toddler is being aggressive with the baby, you can redirect that energy directly to the doll: "I can't let you bite the baby's fingers, but you can bite your baby doll's fingers."

And then actually demonstrate it. Pick up the doll and show them how to throw it, hit it, squash it. Give them full permission to do to the doll what they cannot do to the real baby.

I know it sounds counterintuitive, but toddlers absolutely know the difference between the doll and their sibling. What the doll gives them is a safe and sanctioned outlet for the feelings they are carrying. It relieves the pressure without anyone getting hurt, and it removes the shame spiral that comes when they feel like they've done something terrible and unforgivable.

Then turn toward your toddler

This is the part that feels most wrong in the moment, but it is the most important thing you can do. After you've set the limit and redirected, turn your attention and warmth toward your toddler rather than away from them. Pull them in, give them a hug, and say something like: "I know it's so hard having a baby at home. I know you don't always get enough of me."

When a toddler is constantly going for the baby, what they really need in that moment is connection with you. The behaviour is a signal, not a character flaw. And the more you can meet that signal with empathy rather than rejection, the less they will need to use the baby to get your attention.

Try to let some of the roughness slide

When you're watching your toddler like a hawke every time they come within arms reach of the baby, they feel your eyes on them and it might actually encourage the rough behaviour. Yes it feels terrifying to see your clumsy toddler so close to your baby, but in some miracle of evolution; babies are born quite robust and can withstand a fair amount of toddler manhandling.

Do your best to step back (with your eyes glued on your toddler from a distance) and watch what your toddler does with your baby. Some of the time - especially for younger toddlers- there is a period of experimentation where they really are learning about how to interact with a baby.

They're not the most coordinated little things, so let some of the 'less than gentle' touching slide, and only intervene if they are truly doing something that might hurt the baby/ be dangerous. The more you are commenting and reprimanding your toddler for their every move around the baby, the more they'll do it. If you let some of it slide, they'll move on from their exploration much faster.

Carve out one-on-one time every day

Even five or ten minutes of genuinely undivided attention with your toddler each day, phone away, doing whatever they choose, can make a meaningful difference to how often this behaviour shows up. It fills their cup enough that they are less desperate to reach for the most dramatic way of getting your attention.

The bottom line

It does get better. I promise it does. Staying calm, setting the limit, redirecting the energy and meeting your toddler with empathy rather than shame will not fix it overnight, but it will move you in the right direction far faster than the alternative. You've got this.

For more help, browse my new baby and siblings guides, or book a 1:1 consult.